Loneliness Can Be A Messenger in Disguise


Hello, my name is Loneliness. Usually, no one comes to greet me with open arms and asks me to sit down with them. However, if you did, you would begin to notice that often times I am a messenger in disguise. Most of the time, people run from me and try to feed me with all kinds of distractions. The problem is once the distractions quiet down, you notice that I am still here. What a lot of people don’t know is that I am not a foe, but often I am a friend - a friend that is patient, a friend that is persistent, a friend that is relentless in being able to share the message I am here to deliver. What a lot of people also don’t realize is that when I do get to deliver the message, it’s usually something that you already know but may have been trying to avoid. There are all kinds of reasons to avoid this, but usually at the foundation of them is some kind of fear. For those that sit with me and give me a little bit of their attention, they begin to notice that the feeling of loneliness begins to subside. Loneliness is one of those feelings that, if we are living, we have experienced it and will experience it again; it’s part of being human.

For some, loneliness can go on undetectable. Instead, we put on a more, "comfortable" wardrobe that shields us from the reality of loneliness. Our wardrobe to cover up the tenderness that we feel when we feel lonely includes: busyness, arrogance, being overly nice, bitterness, anger, and even shame and discontentment. Sometimes this feels safer than admitting, "I am lonely." And even more terrifying is hearing yourself say, "I am lonely," to someone else. The feeling of being lonely has been stigmatized as though, if we have that feeling, something is critically wrong with us or about us. We think that if we have a good life - a nice career, family, significant other, financial access, etc. - that we don't have the right to feel lonely. And if we don’t have those things, we believe, "Well it’s no wonder I’m lonely; it must be something I'm doing or not doing."

Heart stuff is hard stuff. Loneliness is a multi-faceted, feeling, tummy ache that won’t stop and cannot be settled with Tums. It’s a ♥️ ache that feels like a heart attack, but the doctor can’t see anything on the MRI. Loneliness can cause you to ache in places you didn’t even know you had the ability to ache. When loneliness resides deeply, blinking your eyes can hurt. Loneliness is a place none of us likes to visit. Unchecked, it can lead to all sorts of flawed and temporary solutions. There is acceptable loneliness, like when we lose someone through death, we move far from people we know, or relationship issues. In those times we get active support, there are several books that can help, and we even allow ourselves time to heal. But what about that gnawing, persistent loneliness that feels like an undertow? We can’t shake it, can’t explain it, and no matter how much is going well, it’s still there, lurking in the shadows. What I have experienced with this kind of loneliness, is that it cannot be externally tempered. It requires a deep dive into an unknown territory, that I must go in while I am squirmy and afraid. This loneliness is a messenger in disguise that gently invites me to listen. This kind of loneliness has always resulted when I have left, abandoned, betrayed, and ignored my SELF. When I've scattered myself about, leaving little to nothing for myself; when I replace transparency with image management; when I’m going through the motions, and have no awareness of my disconnection. There are visible signs that show up as unshaven legs, “curing” my loneliness with food and shopping, and avoiding letting people “see” me. What I also know is that when I pull into loneliness at these times, loneliness becomes a wise and loving guide that walks me on a path of recovering those dismembered parts of myself. In these intimate moments with this kind of loneliness, here are some of the gifts:

1) Contentment

I am enough on my good days and not so good days.

2) Feelings are most uncomfortable when I am resisting them

My feelings have important nuggets of information stored within them.

3) Loneliness is a pathway that always leads me back to intimate relationship with my HP God´s arms are always open to embrace what hurts and transform it into beauty.

4) Trust the process

As I let go, I see my life unfold in bountiful and amazing ways, with cinematography that makes me have to pinch myself and just say thank you, God.

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